Thank you who wished me a Happy Birthday =)
Thank you Shirri for calling me exactly at 12am(your side)You were the first to wish me =)
Thank you Chloe, Louis, all the FB-er's birthday wishes. Also Chan, Pamela, Charis(for that nice long sms) And the rest of my thanks will end up in my other blog! =)

God loved u
God loved u at : 12:48 AM

Birthday wishlist before i get stuff i appreciate but don't use
-A hug, a song and a word from God. (Yup God, i know i will get all 3 from you^^) Don’t worry God understands what i want haha!
-Christian books (I have way too little. What do you think i need? I will not be insulted by any title haha in fact it may really help me if you get something direct)
-A metal braclet(Don’t try unless you know my taste, which only YX/Sa MAY be able to pull it off. I am fussy be warned!)
-I don’t recommend clothes unless you get my taste><
-Cardigan/jacket/sweater(just a normal jacket(cos i realize i don't have a proper one) no hoodies! Normal collar with zip, preferrably black and purple in color)
-And the best alternative that i appreciate will very simply be your presence. Ask me out for lunch/dinner, if you really want, just treat me. No need to be ex haha (hint hint to the 3 ppl who love simei)
-Tegami! Just a letter or sms is enough
-No stuff toys! My turtle is my love. One and only. Haha

God loved u
God loved u at : 11:20 PM

Maybe if its true. Sukoshi(just a little). That people have hit the age, that they think. They question. They feel. They don't forget. And then realize at the end, that life has no purpose. And then the suicide rate, spikes. They leave behind something precious but something not strong enough to hold them back. God to them is a foreign concept that doesn't listen, that doesn't touch them.

What if i said, if you just keep quiet. Lie on the bed, off your phone, off your computer, off the music. Off everything that distracts you. Relax. And say these words, slowly, and mean it. You just need to say "Dear God, are you there? Will you help me." I think you will find, that there is someone listening.

God loved u
God loved u at : 2:47 AM

Dear God,
It's surprising. Sometimes it's so easy to forget you are there.
Sometimes it's so easy to walk my own way.
I tend to pull away from everything when i can handle nothing.
I shut myself away, in this small corner of my world.
You gently knock and encourage me out.
It's doesn't matter to you what i've done.
I'm forgiven but never forgotten.
When i listen, just in that silence that doesn't have your voice,
I find your answer in the wierdest ways.
And realize you've been screaming at me for who knows how long.
I choose you again and again.
There's only one worth in my life and nobody can give me more than you.
~ Your child, M.E.L

God loved u
God loved u at : 3:20 PM

Part II
Shoshanna

Azure did come home. Except it must have been 2 or 3 in the morning when she reached home to discover her pet dog sleeping out on her doormat. Me.

I was awoken to a gentle shake and questioning eyes. It was devoid of pity, if there had been pity, it would have antagonized me more. She let me in and left me with a mug of hot chocolate at the table while she went to have a bathe.

Did i ever mention? Azure is Ms Wonderwoman, she comes home at this ungodly hour, sleeps at an even more ungodly hour and wakes up at a ridiculously early hour of seven to get to work. I appauld her. She wins handsdown.

I stoned through three quarters of the mug of hot chocolate, until she came out of the bathroom. Her hair was wet, she gave me a pointed look even as she dried her hair with the snowy white towel in hand.

"Yes mum, i'm finishing up," i replied to her soundless reprimand.

She smiled. Disappeared into the bedroom where i soon heard the groan of the hair drier being turned on.

With as much grace as a person who had a fucked up and sucky day, i dropped the mug into the sink. It clattered and rolled over to one corner where it lay in a pitiful position. So i ended up rinsing the cup and leaving it on the drying rack.

"Red." Azure called out.

Yes, thats my nickname. Every one uses it, except my parents. Because of that reason, i'm fine with it. "Coming."

I entered the room, brushed past Azure who was combing her hair, to take out the mattress kept under the bed. Dusting it, i placed it adjacent to her bed. Flinging myself onto the mattress, i lay facedown. Groaned at the smooth soothing touch of the blanket. The mattress feels more comfortable then my bed at home.

Azure finishes blow dying her hair quite a while later. I'm to lazy to roll over to see her, so i lie facedown on my mattress still. She stops by the mattress to sit down on one corner. I turn my head so that i can see her. "Hey."

She smiles, runs her finger through my hair, stroking lightly. "Go to sleep," she murmers.

"Yeah, i will" My chin is propped on the pillow and i'm lying on the top of the blanket.

Tugging the blanket from under me, she spreads it over me.

I suppose this is what it feels like to be loved. "Thanks," i say.

"Good night." Her fingers continue to stroke my hair for a moment before she leans over to kiss my cheek. Then she stands up and moves away to turn off the light.

I feel cold the moment she leaves, but i don't say anything. Her presence is so tangibly comforting. But i know, i don't need anyone. That's what i tell myself every day so that i can survive. 2-3++am

God loved u
God loved u at : 11:34 PM

DECLARATION
This blog will now be a blog story for a fictional character. In essence my writing ground. You want my main blog entries, ask for my other blog.

Part I
Shoshanna
Today i was kicked out of the house. Atypical. I couldn't exactly label it as 'kicked out' more of 'i voluntarily let myself out'. Tucking my wallet into the back pocket of my jeans, i shrugged and stalked off. My iPod was blasting music into my ears.The wordless jarring of metal drowning out all semblance of lyrics.

The street is dark. It is past midnight, just by a little. I'm awake. Try sleeping when there's glass breaking and your parents are screaming. Even hiding under the covers or screaming "Shut the fuck up" doesn't work.

Fight, bitches fight, every day. You still call yourself parents? It's a wonder my younger brother is still sane.

I ended up at Azure's house. She's my friend. No, more of an older sister to me. She's beautiful, brilliant, smart and she's only four or five years older than me. In essence, that makes her a genius.

In a disgruntled manner, i knocked on the door. Kicking the door would have significantly alleviated the irritation in me but that would be rude.

It's my bad luck. Fuck my life because she doesn't answer the door and her cell phone is dead. I should know, i tried calling. So i slump down to huddle against her door. I have no choice but to wait till she comes back. It's rare of her to be out that late, but i don't dictate her timing or her life, after all i am just a pest clinging onto her. Ironically, she loves me and doesn't seem to mind. I think i mind more that i cling to her than she does. I wait. I drift off into a miserable sleep where there is the tinkle as the glass shards fall to the floor. -12++AM

God loved u
God loved u at : 2:07 AM

Like S.W. said, the pen is mightier then the sword. Your words have done something no one else has been able to do for the past 3 years. I am changing blog. Bye to all my readers. For people like Sally, 'Anonymous', or my other devoted readers, if your desire my new blog address, pls tell me on this tagboard and i will email the address to you.

God loved u
God loved u at : 9:41 PM

2day, God was sweet. Because, God was saving me.

I went to service and was like, i stoned through worship. I was kinda thinking, God i have no purpose in life. I know you offer a purpose, but i've deviated so far, i don't see any. Why am i in Uni? Studying for? Nothing(precisely why i stopped mugging -.-) For what?...Just to save souls...Why am i alive? Because i can't die...

The sermon was an answer. A direct answer from God to me. Whatever you are doing now, be faithful with the things given. Swap your course and then slowly you will know. Don't rush things, wait. Just wait. You have a purpose to live. Stop awhile, you don't need to cut, not until your are better and you cannot if you persist in doing things your way. You don't have to write your book now. You can't handle it. I teared at the end, because i felt one emotion. I felt saved. I need to pray, to listen to God for directions. I knew it, i knew it then, i had to throw it all away. I gave my pack of blades to my CL. I have NONE now. Not even my penknife. I don't need blood to prove i'm alive, I just need his purpose. It doesn't mean the hurt goes away. Sat at Subway 2day for dinner, and it hurt(You don't know why...Your heart just hurts), things don't just fade i guess, but I can't do this anymore. Anymore, i'll just slowly leave God. I think 2day was just a touch from God that said he bothers. Bothers enough to save me. Bothers enough to tell me that i have to live. And really live. Not just be an empty shell, living even though inside i'm slowing dying.

Thanks God, i think i really needed that. To know, i have a reason where i am now. A reason to live. A reason for so many things, even though i understand nothing. Shijiteru. I trust you. I'll hold this close to my heart. Pray till i can hear you speak. You have never disappointed and i know you never will. Just really thankful. Thank you so much...

God loved u
God loved u at : 11:58 PM

He who has talents should use it. Did i say? I always wanted to write for God. I try to input godly things into my book. Spend time writing poems. But that alone is not enough. I wish i could, i wish there was something i could write for God that would really impact people. If you want my testimony of how things change in my life with God, ask me and if i'm secure enough, i'll write, if only to encourage you. I could write lyrics for songs. Someone should compose the song though.Maybe i should join a ministry. Need to get my walk with God up though.

You don't know why
Checkered squares of black and white
Paves the road fraught with fray.
In you eyes,
Everything has faded to merging shades of gray.
Like a dying man's heartbeat
This monochrome uncertainty
Drags at your soul.
You wither.
But there is a source of water,
Flowing streams of sustainable matter,
That lifts you, releases you.
Like a man gaining synesthesia
These brightly colored hue
Now belongs to you.
Salvation.
-M.E.L

God loved u
God loved u at : 1:25 AM

For you.

You care. You love. I know you won't give up no matter how painful it can be.I know that, because you'll never let someone who needs you fall, if you can help it. You were there, when i needed you to. You don't give up on me, even though i hurt you numerous times. I'm not stupid, sometimes i do it intentionally because i can't help it, but always, you still look out for me.

So even if things were to change between your, your concern doesn't. Don't get tired of doing good, even though it bites you back. Remember that hurting people,hurt people. He, who has never been given the benefit of doubt will find it hard to give. He, who has always been shouted at by people, doesn't know there is a need to restrain himself.

I know you love him and you care deeply for him and that you try really hard. But sometimes conflict is inevitable when he cannot see how hard you try. The small things to him matters so much, but you shadowed with so much work, do forget. It's only human. Whatever i can say, whatever advice i can give, i know will not be good enough. Because i too am human. Go to God, i know you will. God can work things that all the talking done by you or me cannot do. God is your assurance, your comfort, your help, your love. I love you too, and i just want to let you know, if you need me, just for a listening ear or for help, i'm available. If i'm not, i'll make time ^^ I pray that you'll find strength, strength to keep walking, strength to keep loving.

God loved u
God loved u at : 1:29 AM

Well lunch went well. I guess. I'm all for platonic friendship. My mum on the other hand has this 'i must marry off my daughter' mindset. I think she's afraid i'll turn gay or end up "single'. Gg, i love my freedom too much. Besides...not really my type even though he's a really nice guy. LOL, i need a "shirri-ish" person who's a christian. That'll be nice.

Mum(about my lab partner): "Is he a christian."
Me: "Yeah"
Mum" Is he smart?"
Me: "Kinda"
Mum: "Why don't you take him as your bf."
Me(thinking) : WTF type of conclusion is that. "For what-.-"

There was this girl at the cafe we were eating at. LOL. I NEVER HIT ON HER, so don't gimme that look. Abit shady ground lol, if i start, then hard to change me le. Hahaha. I want to at least Hit on a girl once though. Just for the fun of it. Woo, been rakking and rakking.

Did i say, i'm extremely peeved. My stuffed turtle smells too strongly of soap, and he's no longer soft after the wash. I hav nothing to hug and cuddle. Geesh ><

God loved u
God loved u at : 12:40 AM

It is not the coward,
That is capable of surrender,
But the brave.

For it is easier to not believe
Than to believe
To not have faith,
Than to have faith

For it is easier to rely on yourself
Than someone else
To be strong
Than to be weak
To be first
Than to be last.

Surrender your life unto me and i will maketh you to be a plant growing beside streams of flowing water.
-Something i just wanted to write. Walking with God is really an inversion.

Having lunch with my lab partner 2mr. Who is a guy >< If he pulls any moves on me, i'll just tell him i'm gay.Rofl. Shirri thinks it'll be a waste if i turn les, but he's fine with me being Bi. Ain't that adorable? LOL Can't blame me for Canaan and Alphard being hot 2gether.

Wrote another part for my EYL story. In case you are going all wth is EYL. Its EliteYuriLovers. It's a website. Like S.W. i'm desensitived to it. It's just words. Words phrased to evoke emotions and images. I write, to entertain my readers. What my readers desire, i write for them. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. If only for my personal satisfaction.

God loved u
God loved u at : 3:15 AM

I fell asleep for an hour and was considering skipping TKD cos i was tired and wanted to sleep. But then in the end, the idea of excitment even though i was tired and won out. Haha training was funn. Target practice mostly. Unfortunately, less turning kicks and shifting. Thats my forte. Ended up training back thrust which i'm a failure at >< Haha but still it was fun. I watched the sir give some demo at sparring 2day. Apparently he was a gold medalist for some SEA thing. And boy is he fast. He's freaking fast and freaking accurate. I was like omg. Sugoi! He shift in, snapping left kick, a 360 turn, backtrust. And so many many more combo's which were impressive to the max. I'm awed. I love to watch good fighters in action.

I'm sleeping late again. Lala, chionging report. How many days le ar? I rarely run on such little sleep. But i'm kinda in the mode of, don't sleep, fall sick, fantastic. Feeding just a little of my self destructive self which is hard to control in a tamer way. Call it compensation, whatever you will, its less harmful. Sif okay God, me not going to faint or anything. Maybe i'll even be guai and wake up early to print notes 2mr.

God loved u
God loved u at : 1:23 AM

It hurts...So i'm tunning in to worship songs. Because there has to be something wrong...Because i know you are God. Because you are good. And you comfort my soul. Because i know, it shouldn't. It shouldn't with you. So i look you to you.

I should get some sleep before Tkd. Mmmm, yes God i'll take a one hour nap...

God loved u
God loved u at : 5:25 PM

Ahh, calm down liao >< I should be sleeping...

I'm missing people nowadays. I miss nana lol~ she has a calming effect on me. Did i say? Haha, i think i've never admitted that before. Maybe thats why i like spending time with her, it's relaxing. With everyone else, it's never so relaxing. Except God of cos. God is relaxing too.

God, pls help me not to be stressed out by uni. I feel out of my element. Almost like how physically isolated = psychologically isolated. I suck at handling emotions. My anger Ritcher scale not so bad now...Erh thats a lie...Maybe...I just don't whack things, break things, but i think my brain rant like siao and if i could. i WOULD break something. Yeah, can't help but love TKD. I get to beat something up. And if luck ordains it, next week, i'll get to get beaten up. TKD is familiarity. When everything is new, where everything is change, whatever doesn't is beautiful.

You don't change either. Gomen ><

God loved u
God loved u at : 11:36 PM

14th day. I can't, i won't. I need to sleep.

Somehow the imagery of blood seems enticing. Rooted in sin. Fallen.
But i told you i won't. So i won't. I won't sin to cover up sin.


Hate Myself

God loved u
God loved u at : 8:05 PM

I'm surprisingly awake. God is being niceee, i'm not feeling grumpy even though i have to sleep late to mug bio. Feeling quite happy mugging. Though i've got a headache, cos i pack too much info inside, so i'm taking a break now, letting my brain relax.

Had lit lec 2day, about the image of a rose and its form. And i thought of this.
"Shoshanna. Love has thorns.
Shoshann, my love, you have thorns."
Sounds so romantic right? I also dunno why i thought of that. Shoshanna is a name meaning rose. Its also the name of one my characters in my book. If you didn't know, the petals on a rose are soft silky, beckoning with its deep passionate red. Yet the leaves are razor edged, the stalk has briars/thorns.

I wrote another story 2gether -.- took me 10 minutes, i jus had the urge to write. Hope the ppl on eliteyurilovers will love it. Hahaha...I should write Shiznat part III soon. Yes S.W. i know, Fanfic is funnn to write. I get it now. But normal stories are fun too! And Canaan is imba. Alphard is hot, hot, hot. She and Canaan should get 2gether!! I hope the show turns out like mnemosyne in terms of rating lolol

I feel like Elizabeth and Darcy -.- Pride and prejudice. My pride is tsk tsk fail. I'm repenting haha. I'm quick to judge even though i try not. Cannot lol God. You love the humble and rebuke the proud. So i need to be more humble, esp when it comes to TKD and studies.

God loved u
God loved u at : 10:55 PM

Killer week ahead. Esp for tuesday. Wake up early. Sleep late. Test on tuesday + ALOT of lessons. Ahh, God help me! Tskete! Btw hehe, 13 days~ Wakaka, i'm happy. The number is getting bigger.

Inca Rose. A beauty, a rose that never fades. A richness to it that even the Inca's would find themselves jealous over.
Lolita's Medicine. An intangible medicine to cure an intangible disease of one so afflicted.
Venus Vanguard. A love, so forbidden. A power so sacred. A secret so hidden.
Ahh, the beauty of words so simply put, so wonderfully defined by one's self. I need to change my MSN nick soon. I need to find nice words soon.

God loved u
God loved u at : 12:24 AM

Oh gosh...I suddenly treasure honesty from ppl. LOL..I am getting half vibes. I don't think i am wrong. No, i don't believe i am.

Omg, did i say, i'm so freaking unsure. Changing from a science student to arts. But its like God, the ppl he place around me are ALL giving me advice that unknowingly is striking a chord inside me that only God knows. That it is fear. I did not even face indecision in choosing my faculty or major b4 uni. Because fear ordains that i be like a dog, i do what i'm good at. i never considered it, because i was always too scared. Now, its like God saying, to not be afraid, to do what u love. I don't know. To trade certainty for uncertainty. It's not like i hate science. I'm fine with science, studying it comes so naturally. Oh gosh, okay SO many factors i have to consider. HAVE TO PRAY. Things actually matter now.

if anything, words are beautiful. So beautiful.

God, is my God. I am undeserving, but you take me in, again and again. You know my struggles. You know my hates, that even as i do your will, sometimes i hate myself for it. And i too know, that these are imperfections in me. I don't know why you love me, i am not easy to love. I would do better with hate. But you do love...Even when i wrong you, over and over again. So then, thank you for your grace, your mercy. I don't do it now, i know so clearly that even with this craving inside me, to back out on what i have set my mind too, will be to fail you again. To trample on grace that i have already trampled. What is temptation that i cannot overcome with God?

God loved u
God loved u at : 2:01 AM

Took a walk around PGP again. God was being funny and made it rain on me. I was like, wait waittttt, i like it after a rain and not really when its raining on me and i'm in somewhere who knows where in PGP compound getting wet haha. But I just want to write something that serves as my remembrance.

The artificial lights of the basketball court were bright, i could see the rain. I looked away. The beauty of God's creation can never match the cold manmade beauty with the harsh lights. The beauty of the devil's destruction can never match the beauty of God's love. Beauty is anything that touches the soul. He leaves an imprint of ink that covers the pain, you leave a mark of love that takes away the pain and over time heals the wound.

I'm just happy, i dunno that God is kinda back here? That he calls me out for walks around PGP, he's being his usual naughty self and making it rain like a joke between me and him. That now things don't seem so hard. Maybe i'm afriad, but i dunno, he gives me a reason to try. I think i kinda 'panicked' when i had to meet Yvonne 2day. Shepherding freaks me. I also abit stupid/blur/dunno what i doing, kinda opened up to her, then PANICKED even more when she gave me Shortbread biscuit from Mark and Spencers. Which means she obviously observing me. And i was touched by it and that's waywaywayway more scary. Cos that makes me even more vulnerable > < Half of me is screaming MELISSA don't be a stupid, you actually want to try AGAIN? Half of me is going, God will be ur healer, comforter and you assurance. So...And then God is being sweet, Evangelism is making me happy cos Sowing is going happily, cos God is BLESSING me and i feel happy. And the huge happy factor aside from it is TKD. TKD makes me happy. The concept makes me happy. It's like PASSION happy land now. I guess not being burdened by sin/depression/struggling makes it alot lighter and happier now i guess. But for those hard times, THANK YOU God. It was irreplacable, i will ask for it again even though i was so miserable. Because when i come out, the growth is clear. The love is clear.

I realized i used a lot of the word HAPPY. Sooo rare. Maybe i am happpy =) I jus went for a walk in the rain, God is beinng nicee, i feel grateful. And i'm tucking my insecurities upon him. Trying at least =) Me wanna throw my blades away. I really HAVEN"T thrown it yet. BUT i haven't touched them in days either. Not even touch for comfort.

God loved u
God loved u at : 11:16 PM

Freaking fun! Tkd was rocking. No sparring unfortunately for the next 2 weeks because of nationals competition coming up. But it was super fun still. Target practice. And i got to watch some ppl spar. Made my day =)) I should be confirm joining. Can't wait to spar. LOL, i'm a sucker for challenge. I figure this makes me more availabe as a gay partner then a single straight woman with a boyfriend. HAHA. Guys don't like girls who like to fight. So too bad =) I'm headstrong, i do what i like. Nobody dictates what i do...Except God! And i don't think God says no, God is probably, yes my dear. Excel in the sport and be happy okay? So rofl. Two weeks then sparring starts. Ahh, can't wait. Can't wait to trash ppl and get trashed. Hehe...It's super thrilling. Tatics, style, speed, strength, stamina. Everything in one. I aspire to be the best =) Yupp, i do. Whats the point of doing something if you don't aspire to be the best? But i start small =) Pro would be a nice start. Wahahaha The inter-varisty competition is evil. You can't participate if you've been a brown belt for 2 years. Wth? Not my fault i stop at brown!!! FINE, i'll get black. Sigh, hate grading. Must be guai guai, wan be best must take grade. HAHA~~ Yes, i'm happy. I am.

I can never be THAT straight~ Another thing God has to rectify. LOL Don't worry i'm sure he will, even if he gets a headache doing it.

Anyway God, i survived! 8 days and counting and i DIDN"T pick up the other disorder. Hehe ^^
I must win. 7 CENTS?? C'mon. Hit me. Keep giving me the strength Lord =)

I knew it! The printer/com lab has a grudge against me. Is it my fault for cursing you under my breath? That's only because when it comes to my turn to print notes. It's either closed or the printer spoils. Or some wierd crappy reason.

God loved u
God loved u at : 11:27 PM

Just what i need empty time. I'm trying to do my work at engine, but its only infuriating me. The devil is damn freaking noisy today, he really don't know how to shut up. And it's only agitating me more. Like shut up shut up shut up, i really don't need you -.- I'm looking forward to 7.30PM. Gonna go for TKD, prac. Well prac meaning just go there see or if i'm lucky, get to join in =) Either way, i need it, before i go crazy.

Why am i in school again? Remind me? I need to write. I can't write, when things are being noisy. I can't really write when i'm not cutting -.- Damn, things are too noisy here. Can it at least rain God, then let everything be washed away in your quiet. And be nice, send the devil back to hell. He's irritating me.

God loved u
God loved u at : 3:05 PM

It rained. I came back from Engine and when i touched my foot on the Foyer of PGP, God was shouting to me. Let's have a walk together and talk. So i dumped my books in my room, went back downstairs and went for a walk with God. It was beautiful. The rain had just settled, and i just walked randomly to the quieter more naturish parts of PGP. There was beauty in that moment, me walking next to God, talking. I couldn't help but tell him, it paled in contrast. The beauty the devil gives, and the beauty he gives. His beauty is so much more, loving. I know, everything, that i can understand now, just brings compassion. I remember, i shunned my gift once, i screamed at God, take it away. I don't want the gift of evangelism, because it is too painful. Then it was gone. And then i realized months after, i threw away what was so important to me. Give it back God, please, that was what i said. And everything that followed, now is a gift. The depression, the hurt, the loneliness is a gift. An abandonment for the sake of me. A gift to tell me how much more people need God. You have given me compassion in an irrevocably way. In my heart, i cannot deny what i have felt. I humbly thank you, for teaching me this, for giving it back. Use me more, to bring people to you. Every single thing is falling in place. The people i meet, the contacts that you help me build and very importantly keep. Is the harvest not ripe?
I shall arrange more walks with you God! Hehe

Just...Erh...Just... I want another eat piercing. Lol...Double on my right. Right or left nicer? I think i want right.

God loved u
God loved u at : 10:31 PM

Don't you ever feel self-destructive? Seriously? Just a haunting thought. LOL

I am freaking sleepy. Yesh, totally sleepyyy...Maybe i should be the pig i am and sleep now. Wow, sounnds fabulous. Mmmm, i'm probably joining Taekwondo. Even though my mum is like you'll get hit in the neck and die. I won't die, God won't let me die so early, me got ppl to save. If i die, oh well... I mean, death is death. But i wanna save souls so i don't really want to die. Though sometimes, it doesn't seem that far. HAHA...That's for me LOL. Some people don't think about dying at all. Have i thought of it? I have thought of not living. Sometimes too tired ma, abit sian of living but then nah, never will quit so early. If cannot cope, no need suicide lol, just cut. I figure it kinda works. But now have to change policy, now must seek GOD until it goes away. 7 DAY. Come devil, am i still worth 7 freaking cents? Bleh, hate you, hate me. But God loves me, so thats fine by me wakaka~

God loved u
God loved u at : 8:14 PM

If these be scars, they why does it hurt?

Aiyo God, i very nice de. So nice, let ppl take advantage of me. Mmmm, but to make you happy, the things i will do. Haha. And i NEED to buy my biology book...Gahhh

How do u survive? It eats at me... its not supposed to hurt. 7 cents...Damn you and your voice. I won't. Freaking on my 6th day so shut the hell up. I don't need you, i just need God.

God loved u
God loved u at : 9:15 PM

I just did my chem tutorial. The last question stunned me abit. Rofl, i don't have my notes with me at all. I left it all in PGP. Nvm, last question 2mr, then i think properly. So guai right? Been such a long time since i've done something called tutorial! LOL

I'm happy, i figured out how to play the song Starless Night - Nana on the piano. Took me so long to find the correct note for one part. The chorus is especially hard to play. Hahaha, don't i wish i were pitch perfect? But i figured as long as can hear and still can figure notes, good enough for me lol. I'm contented with my writing skills. Which is close to zilch! I feel jealous, reading other ppl's writing. Ah well, always room for improvement. I was reading fanfic and the author was supper good in conveying emotions in short sentences like this :
Natsuki : "I feel like i'm falling."
Mai : "Why?"
Natsuki shrugged, she was incapable of crying in front of anyone.

When i read it, i was like, ouch. Don't i understand. How brilliantly you have portrayed such emotion in so a short sentence. Maybe one day i'll be able to. And for my book..

SW! I can't write using Caliey's point of view, i know it will be good, but the possessive writer's instinct in me insists that i use Red. And i will not be contented if i change to Caliey simply because i lack the skills to write using Red's POV. I will do a good job of it! No matter how hard!

God loved u
God loved u at : 3:03 AM

I just tell myself 7 cents is ridiculous. Besides it doesn't hurt so bad now, just once in awhile in pangs. Thank you God, lemme continue to hide my hands from my parents okee. I will stop, so yeah, onegai-shimas!

Anywayz, God was so cool. Today had field trip, i start to appreciate insects a little more. From totally disgusting to acceptably disgusting. Made more friends 2day! And those friends that i made previously, God makes me bump into them to maintain contact. So, yeah happy and thankful to God! I don't have much to offer Lord, not my skills, not even my obedience, i can't really listen to your commands well, even my heart strays. But, you know, my heart just simply wants these people to know you and your goodness. And i will love them, because you first loved me, and i guess, just help me. I may not the righteous vessel you want but i will try.

=(( i left my turtle standing guard at PGP!! Sobs, my baby, i'm sorry i have abandoned you. *Stretches arms out longingly. Sighs. Wadever. Need to write 2mr! Bet i won't. LOL i suck HAHA

God loved u
God loved u at : 2:03 AM

My stomach is in turmoil. I'm feeding it a lot of junk nowadays. Rofl...

Your words hurt me but i know there was never the intention. I thought, if i were in your place, what would i say, and i'll probably say what you said. Not because i meant it, but because i won't know what else to say. It was just a painful reminder that i should not get my heart involved.

I wish people will invent something that gives instant healing! I'll cut my hand until i shuang, then make it instant heal. Whoever invent confirm get nobel prize lol! Just a stupid longing that i won't do now. 7 CENTS. I'm still insulted. LOL

So i will lie, to get my way. No, its not exactly lying, more of omission, more of practice. People are simple. If you smile, if you laugh, if you joke = you are happy. The only problem about a lie is how much it hurts. The more you hide, the more painful it is, but that too is a neccesity. Even if i hurts me, i rather it hurts me then it hurts you. Because what i do, will hurt you.

Anyway! I wrote my niicee story. Its a ShizNat story based it on Jap culture. I want to post it here but its long. But i'm lazy to upload to FicPress or get a FanFic acc. So~

ShizNat (Characters from Mai Hime)

They dragged her in chains through the street. A humiliating experience. The metal links that she had once fought against viciously now embittered her; a sunken fragment of what she had been. Those painful words of “Natsuki, tataka!”(Natsuki, fight!) had long been drowned away by hours of beating into submission.

Her legs were bleeding, her nails cracked from throdding on sharp granite stones all day. She was paraded like a monkey on display for shows. Around her neck, she wore a plate that wrote “Majou” (Witch) in darkened brown, her blood. “It is only fitting for a witch” that’s what had always been said. Labelled from birth, to her demise and all the way to encroaching death.
Something, that must have been spit, struck her face. It would have enraged her in the past, now she simply hung her head. Shizuru.I don’t feel like fighting anymore. I rather die. Even though the world had faded, the image of her lover had not. Those kind brown eyes of hers that carried a warm reddish hue, soft blond hair and smooth hands that would gently hold her. How she longed for it, even if it was weakness, that those arms would embrace her once again. Mou mamorenai.(We can no longer return to that)

How many days would this drag on? This endless torture prolonging death. She knew the answer, as long as possible. They wanted her to suffer. Her hope for rescue had been dashed when they had moved her straight away into the Kamakura region, directly under Yorimoto’s vicinity of power. The tyrant possessed such great power his name was famous throughout the land for both his merciless streak and the massive army he owned.

It had all began when the Taira Clan fell during the battle at Dannoura to Yorimoto’s army led by the younger brother Yoshitsune. Ogoru Heike Wa hisahikarau.(Japanese adage meaning : The proud Taira’s endure for a little time) That was the fleeting life of her clan. She would have contended to die beside the bodies of her family. She had abandoned her sword, waiting for that incoming call of darkness and pain. She had never expected what came next. Shizuru Fujino.
The hand that had caught hers pulled her to her feet, urging her to run. It had been warm, comforting and guiding. In that moment, their fingers touched, a resonating beat had bloomed in them. The steps they took as they weaved their way around the forest were synchronised, like the twin beating of their hearts. She had fallen in love.

Eaten up by grief at the death of her parents, namely her mother, she had been unstable, destructive and sullen. She had stopped to look at the pink flowers growing on the side of the road and with almost malicious pleasure, reached to crumple it.

“Beautiful flowers should be loved, Natsuki. Since they do all they can to bloom in their short life span,” Shizuru had said gently, her voice like flowing music.
Her hand clenched into a fist, dropped back to her side.

That was the start. Upon taking refuge into another clan, they had shared blissful months, laced with peace, exploring a love they had for each other. Until that fateful day. Her clan was set upon by Yoritomo’s warriors. Shizuru had grabbed her, said to her. “Natsuki, tataka!”

So ahe had drawn her sword and fought them off. But cornered from both sides and not wanting a repeat of the loss of her clan, she in desperation had done the forbidden. Using her Hime to aid her, her photon pistols had killed off the entire army of bandits. Afraid of such magic and power, they had instead betrayed her, handing her over to the enemy to claim their own security.
Shizuru had stood in the crowd, helpless.

Beaten and chained, her vision half blurred with blood, she had scanned the crowd for Shizuru and saw the mouthed words, “Aishiteru,” that sounded more like goodbye.
Stubbing her swollen foot against a stone, she stumbled, lurched forward, the manacles around her ankle twisting. The two men holding her chain, yanked hard, forcing her body into a painfully straight position.

“Why don’t you use your magic, witch?” he taunted.

Even if she did, it would make no difference. Her hands were chained behind her back and she would get a worse beating should she even try. Her throat was too hoarse and a reply would only further antagonize them, so she held her silence.

Her guards stopped in the street, one of them dropping her chains to purchase some food from a shop. She looked up, and her eyes found a woman standing near the corner of the building. Dressed in a purple kimono starring straight at her. The pounding in her heart intensified, she felt the soft welling of tears in her eyes ,the salty taste mixing with the coppery flavour in her mouth.

She watched, her eyes unblinking as Shizuru advanced, the guard looked up at her questioningly. Then he choked, his hands releasing the chain, the end of the naginata protruding from his body.
The sudden lack of support had her falling, but the warm hand that she had longed for now encircled her. “Doushite ore no tame ni modotte kuru no darou?” Why did you come back for me?

Shizuru held her gently. “Of which colour is love? The colour of the moon reflected on the sea in autumn? The colour of snow which decorates our hearts white? Or the colour of the Sakura blossoms which falls in remembrance of a girl? Then, I will plunge everything in your colour. For I love you more that no matter whom of this world. Even if the whole world were to become my enemy, or to treat me as devil or goddess, I will still protect you.”

Natsuki brushed away, blood, dirt, tears from her face. Already a crowd had gathered around them, chants of witches growing louder. “Shizuru! How are we to escape?”

“Dai jio boun.(Don’t worry, everything will be fine)” She spun the naginata in her hand, placed the end of the ground. “Kyohime,” she said. That one word, full of power, calmness, control. The ground shook, with tremendous force.

“No! Shizuru, yamete(stop it)! The whole world will know you’re a witch.”

“You always think so fondly of me. I promise to protect you.”

They were speeding away on top of her child. Shizuru’s child. Muridane!(Impossible) Shizuru was never a Hime. Already her vision was fading, she, weary to the bones sagged even heavier upon the hand supporting her. Then she was falling even as she was caught into a soft embrace.
“Okurete gomen ne, Natsuki.” (I’m sorry I was late) It comforted her, the voice she yearned for and so she sank into the cloudless darkness.

God loved u
God loved u at : 12:31 AM

To satisfy my writers craving. I will write a story basing it on Jap history. On Yoshitsune and Yorimoto with their war against the Taira Clan. Ask me for it, and you shall read it. I should be writing it tomorrow =) Looks like there's something interesting to do during lecture huh? Oops
> <

God loved u
God loved u at : 1:42 AM

Craving sucks -.- Cold showers are partially helpful. But its back...

Anyway, had lunch with Xiu at 18chef, then ended up playing L4D and warcraft after that with both her and Gary. Pretty fun day lol

You are gracious, wonderful, magnificent. Because of you, I will try.

Sad, taekwondo welcome 'tea' is on saturday, during service time!! Boo...I wanted to go for it =( I cannot survive without thrill in my life LOL and the feeling of beating something up and vice versa. Getting beaten up is not so bad lol. The pesonal gratifying challenge in a sparring match. Since its the only thing that i can lose it, i want to practice until i don't. I'm not bad at sparring, been complimented before on my technique, but to the pro's, i think i'm food. Did i say? I hate being food. I really want to perfect this art, until its beautiful. Besides it so fun, its not just a physical challenge, its all about strategy, its a frigging mind game. You play your opponent, trick him, keep your footwork good and your aim accurate and you win. Brute force won't let you win alone. Gosh, i miss it. Besides i need to waste energy lol.

God loved u
God loved u at : 10:26 PM

Undeniably, i did cut 4 more lines, the new blade is nice. Regardless. 7 cents for my soul is ridiculously low, and yet that is the price i offer? Go and die la devil. Someone paid his son for me, and you offer me 7 cents. I refuse you offer, i'll take my God, i'll take the pain he offers over yours. It will be a pity, to not continue what i like. But 7 cents??!! Thats ridiculously low. You could have at least offered higher. Someone pay me 70 cents, i'll sell my pack of blades to you. I'm serious! Hontoni. Don't throw away good blades. Pay me and i'll give them to you. You get an offer too, i'll throw in an extra rusty blade so that makes 11 penknife blades.(So i have none left) No idea what you want to do with them but i'm selling FYI. LOL, i should at least make a profit out of it > < No more huh God? No more...I don't need them any more. I'll convert to running, taking cold showers(Not very hard in polar bear land) and punching walls should the need arise =) Yes and praying even though thats really hard at those times. Why, i'll even be vulnerable enough and ask for help.

God loved u
God loved u at : 12:25 AM

I had my first conscious astral projection 2day. It lasted 10 secs. Still...

An inanimate object is incapable of hurting you.

"If i could lose everything precious to me, then i would not have a reason to exist" But i cannot lose, what God doesn't take. And if its taken, then surely i will fall.

Don't i wish, just wish, that life could have been what it was.

Dammit, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i hate it...CAN YOU HEAR ME? I WANT TO BREAK SOMETHING.

God loved u
God loved u at : 8:17 PM

Restart the counter. Why is it so hard? No, it doesn't hurt bad anymore, its just a craving. I feel so uncomfortable without it.

God loved u
God loved u at : 12:50 AM

I realize, i don't have any praise songs on my handphone. Cos my phone card memory is soo small, i end up deleting songs here and there to make space for new ones. Oh well...At least there's youtube. Listening to the song "Perfect Love" by hillsongs.

I came on here to write one thing. I have hope. That's more then can be said by many. I have God. And i want to remember it. Solidify it, and put it in words. Thank you Lord. Take my name, mould me.

God loved u
God loved u at : 11:20 PM

Lol, you can never win me. I mean, i hate to sound arrogant. But its never for you...Not in terms of friends, results, cca, whatever~ Its simply impossible for you. But i hate to dictate what is impossible for people. But why don't you try? =) Before God gets mad at me for being arrogant. Yes Lord, humility, all right, i will be niicee and pray for love. Lawl, since when am i so nice?

Cutting doesn't make me weak pal, in case you were thinking that ^^

God loved u
God loved u at : 7:06 PM

Had the best sleep in days ~~ Like totally! I can snuggle up to my cupboard compared to almost falling off my bed in PGP Lol! My mum bought another cupboard for me for my hostel. btw Haha. Anyway, i can't wait to get myself into TKD practice. I need to vent! I'm super unfit now lol, i've been a couch potato for really long.I was supposed to write 2day. In an unfortunate turm of events(ahem, i mean, i got distracted by Rakion!), i ended up playing. Rakion was fun, trashed ppl, got trashed, all in a day's work huh?

I feel uncomfortable...Not in a bad way yet. Just uncomfortable in the sense of un-used. Well at least i don't feel so guilty esp since my parents fetching me back to hostel and i'll be spending time with them. Its really quite ironic, i miss them more then usual recently, because i cannot be normal around them. Because its always fear and guilt huh? Well, i suck. Wahaha, but we all knew that already didn't we? Damn, really hate myself at times.

God loved u
God loved u at : 4:19 PM

Woke up late at 1pm. Lol, tts the idea. Wake too early too much time. And i woke with this dilemma. Yes, my brain thinks while i'm half asleep. "What am i doing in life science?" I should be in medicine. Yes i know i can be a good doctor. It's not exactly pride, i know i can. Thats all. Or at least i should be in pharmacy, what am i doing in life science. Maybe i should even be in arts. And i was thinking of ways to change my major. It just doesn't suit me. Then when i woke fully, thinking of all these. I hit upon it. No, it was never meant to suit me. I'm just a dog in the system in uni. I'll score for the piece of paper. The real idea, was my book. Is my book. Pump in effort liao! Must get it published. Will start writing on it too. =))

I broke my towel holder in PGP LOL Then for a second i was like, OMG how how? Then i took a look at the towel holder. Studied it for 10 secs then i went chey. Repaired it, and put it back. Wahaha, this is the advantage of having a toolbox and a dad who repairs things.

God loved u
God loved u at : 2:03 PM

Argh -.-Want to die liao. Uncomfortable! Lawl, 21 days seem too long. Why do i predict that i might be abit GG after service 2mr or even during service. God remember to save me okay? Cannot throw it away...Soon soon, gimme some time.

Anyway, code geass so sad. Booo...What an anti-hero Lelouch is, but what brilliant one! The green-haired girl C.C. is hot. Lol! Ahh, i better go to sleep soon before i end up u know...

God loved u
God loved u at : 2:30 AM

Sometimes, thinking and doing is so much harder. 1st day off 2day, almost died. It was bad when we were cooking potato's and by the time Sub-D started, i was almost dying. The only thing stopping me was, "Pay attention to praise and worship."(Well of course i couldn't fight my way past people to get my penknife and then go toilet cut right? How dumb -.- zz i was thinking that, but practicality wise, impractical) But somewhere after/during worship it went away. And during teaching i was like, man i gotta step out, move on. Take charge of my spiritual life, humble myself, know that i am not good enough. I got the usual thought of "I can just cut and serve God, nothing wrong ma. Cutting helps me" but then, that would be compromising wouldn't it. I wanted to throw away my penknife blade(the last one), was thinking of it. But then, just that little bit of. What if? What if, its that silence that i cannot take again. How? I'll decide, maybe i'll throw it away 2mr. Bleh...

GOD!! Wanna bring ppl to know you!! Help me develop friendship with my new friends, bring close friends of mine closer to you and your kingdom FTW.

A forgiven person, forgives. This shall be the end. Forgive.
A loved person, loves. I will love. This won't end.
Love is trust. I will trust. This won't end.
A saved person, saves. God's word shall not stop.
Pray and be done, i think i'm sure. I'll go out and throw my penknife after my bath in some nice rubbish bin!

God loved u
God loved u at : 11:39 PM

Lawl freaking hard -.-

God loved u
God loved u at : 7:24 PM

I knew it, there's something wrong with church people. They have this thing called MEMORY -.- I mention something in passing and apparently its registered solid in their brain. I'm like, did i even say something like that to you? Have to be careful liao><

For the 100th time i think i should change my blog BUT i'm freaking possessive and that means, the term 'lisastriker' is mine, why should societal pressure dictate me to change.

You hurt me. Can i trust that the new one won't? Nope. Because humans are imperfect. Here we go again God. I never learn do I? Eventually i end up trusting, eventually i end up screwed. Lawl, its just how screwed. Zz what a waste, i gave my new penknife blade away...It's the sharp one. But i'm supposed to stop. What is this ar? Rehabillitation centre. Wth LOL. If that's the case, my cousin should join me. LOLLOL I'm going to bathe, in cold water. Because my hostel is artic and artic has no warm water. Yupp.

Btw super cool, i'm no more sick lor, after my almost 24 hrs of sleep at home. But after my bath, if i end up sick 2mr, you know who to blame. The polar bears.

Day 1. -.- I'm back again. Resetting counter. Sighh...

God loved u
God loved u at : 6:26 PM